this semester has been the worst semester of my life. i am in my fall semester of junior year and i genuinely could not care less. i know that sounds horrible, trust me i know. i feel so guilty every single day for not caring at all about school anymore. i worked so hard in high school to make grades good enough to receive a scholarship. through the generosity of my amazing school, i have received enough scholarship to not only attend, but to also study abroad for an entire semester. my college has opened doors for me that i never could have imagined would have been opened. i never thought i would go to italy, or france, or amsterdam, or poland, but i did. i saw more of the world in three months than i had seen the 20 years of my life before going. now i am back on campus and after all this school has given me, after all of the financial aid, educational aid from professors, and mental aid from the counseling center, i do not care about school at all. i feel so guilty. thats the thing about depression and anxiety, they take away your ability to function properly and to care. my anxiety keeps me up all night. my thoughts race, i have nightmares, and i work tirelessly on an assignment barely getting anything done because my mind is all over the place. the next day, i wake up and i physically cant get out of my bed. people think i am lazy, that i sleep more than the average person, or that i just dont care, but they dont get it. my anxiety tells me, “get out of bed you cant miss class, you cant lose attendance points, you will get further behind on assignments, your professors will be disappointed in you, your family is expecting you to do well” and so on. my depression tells me “none of that matters, stay in bed, dont shower, dont speak to people, dont talk to your professors because they wont understand, going to class will not make any difference in your life, you are going to have a miserable day anyway.” see, the two diseases go hand in hand. i stress, then i dont care, then i stress more, then i dont care even more. it is an endless cycle that does not make sense to anyone around me nor even myself. i try to talk to my friends, my boyfriend, my therapist, my professors, and my family. they are there for me, but they just dont get it and they never will. that is okay, because the only way for them to get it would be for them to live it, and i would never wish that upon any of them. i love them too much. i barely take my medicine, which i know does not help, but i just dont even care to do that. i am stuck in this vicious cycle that i cant seem to get out of. all i want is to go back to the happy go lucky girl that smile all the time, the student that does not settle for less than an A, the girl with the aspirations to go to law school and change the world, but i dont know her anymore. she is gone, and i wish she would come back. i would give anything for her to come back. however, until she does, i am this girl and that will have to be okay for now because despite everything this girl does wrong, she is strong. she has forced herself to get out of bed some days, she has not missed work, and she continues to love the people in her life despite not loving herself. she knows that there is something wrong, and she is trying her best to take the steps to fix herself. some days i hate the girl i have become, but other days i admire her. maybe one day i will be able to combine the two girls together and be the person i am meant to be. i surely hope so. 

i have been looking for a way to express my thoughts and stress and everything in between so here i am. as per usual i will be reblogging the things i like, that inspire me, that make me laugh, and so on. however, i will also be using this app as a personal journal/blog because no one i know follows me and i am a firm believer that oversharing online is the best coping mechanism. not really, but i am going to do it anyway. please do not mind my personal posts as they are solely for myself, but feel free to comment or share one if you relate to it in any way. i will probably be talking about my dysfunctional family, my boyfriend, my daily messed up and crazy life, my dog, and my battle with depression and anxiety. that is all for now folks, please carry on with your normal activities. i hope that whatever i may write makes you feel less alone or moves you in some way. ciao. (i am not italian at all but i will probably say ciao a lot because i studied abroad in italy last year and nothing has ever made me happier so i live vicariously through the word all the time).